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Newspaper Reports
by Seven
Disclaimer:
Earth: Final Conflict and its characters are
copyrighted by Tribune Entertainment Company. All rights reserved.
Author's Note: Spoofs of EFC newspaper clippings concerning the
episodes.
**********
CRACKDOWN
CRACKING DOWN!
The state of emergency continues, under the guidance of the Taelons and their faithful
servants. Synod leader Zo'or was unusually forthcoming. "We'reonly doing what's good for
humanity. Depends on your definition of 'good,' of course, but a lot of people agree with me. At least
after the goon squad is done with them."
The Synod leader is remarkably serene for one who was almostblown up by traitor Lili
Marquette. When asked about the Marine, who was killed during the crisis,
he replies thoughtfully, "She had better fashion sense than my
implant. And better hair. And she had some personal pride, in that she never kissed my foot."
Marquette's superior, Agent Sandoval, had only one comment, "She
is most definitely not alive. By 'not alive,' I mean that she is not
going to be bioengineered and blasted off into Jaridian space."
Major Kincaid was interviewed, but only said something indeterminate and destroyed the
reporter's camera.
MYSTERIOUS BLOND!
However, there are reports of a strange blond woman dressed as a
Volunteer, and of a Resistance member who looks remarkably like
Major Liam Kincaid. The Companion agent's only reply was one of scorn.
"Don't be ridiculous," was the scornful reply of Major Kincaid. "Why
would I be running around Resistance cells at night? I mean, the
Resistance owns some prime real estate, but I'm not so desperate
to get out of my apartment as you think."
As for the blond woman, there was numerous reports of her
herding Resistance members to safety. "I was gonna ask her what
she was doing," Volunteer Jimmy Hornblower reported. "But she
whopped me with her rifle before I could finish my sentence, and
was gone when I came to. She was really, really gorgeous. I bet
she'd look great in a three-piece suit."
Major Kincaid's reply was, "I told you, I was snug at home with a
copy of 'Moby Dick'!"
Agent Sandoval's reply was, "Dyed blond or natural?"
Currently, Volunteer Hornblower is being taken around the ranks of
Volunteers to find the blond woman. He has fifteen
dates so far.
THE VANISHED
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE?
Even though President Thompson has rescinded the state of
emergency, it is widely suspected that Resistance members are
still being held.
"That's ridiculous!" Agent Ronald Sandoval scoffed in reply to
inquiries. "I advise everyone to ignore Resistance claims, and also
to ignore prank screams for help and signs in windows that say
'Help, I've been kidnapped!'"
However, the families of these people are less than convinced.
Mrs. Amy Charler was one such. She claims that her husband,
former SI medic Richie Charler, was captured. "One minute my
husband is sprawled on the sofa, watching Smackdown! and yelling
advice to the wrestlers, and next minute the Volunteers burst in,
track mud all over my nice clean floor, and drag Richie out."
Agent Sandoval promised to make reparations by having some
Volunteers clean the floor, but Mrs. Charler is not satisfied.
"Richie has two days' worth of chores to do, and I want that
slacker back to do them! They're not getting done by themselves!"
DOORS INT. MAKES SHOCKING PACT
WITH TAELONS
Former Resistance leader Jonathan Doors shocked the world
yesterday when, after his dramatic capture that involved a Liam
Kincaid clone, a mysterious blonde Volunteer, and a chicken named
Larry, he acquiesced to a bizarre agreement with Taelon leader
Zo'or.
"I was going to shake his hand, but he wouldn't touch me," Mr.
Doors announced.
Mr. Doors has asserted that most of the work will be in the hands
of Renee Palmer, the lovely blond CEO of Mr. Doors's company.
When asked if Ms. Palmer has any Resistance sympathies, Mr.
Doors replied, "Nope. She's so anti-Resistance, she just shocked
Da'an out of his little blue pants."
When asked if he would divulge what he will be doing, his cryptic
reply was, "I'm going to go swimming in Peru."
"I am perfectly satisfied with this alliance. Times change, and so
should I-but don't include that comment in the report. Please?"
WAREHOUSE GOES UP IN FIERY BLAST
To add to the confusion, a warehouse on the edge of town recently
exploded. The "gorgeous blond Volunteer" who reportedly clouted
several other Volunteers was killed in the blast, after several
Resistance members escaped from the warehouse.
"A tragedy, a great tragedy," was the reply of Synod leader Zo'or.
"There's nothing to link me to it, right?"
A nearby apartment complex saw and heard the blast, but did not
react to it. "You live in a city like this for a while, and you get
blase about things blowing up. Not too long ago we had that nutty
shuttle pilot crashing his shuttle into the Embassy. The sky was
very pretty for a long time."
A man resembling Major LiamKincaid was seen fleeing from the
warehouse, but Major Kincaid's reply was, "Why does everyone
think I'm scampering around these places? I was sitting in Da'an's
office, watching Ethan Frome on his datastream."
Agent Sandoval was not available for comment.
FBI SCANDAL! AGENT SANDOVAL'S
"ENTERTAINING"
Scandalous rumors abounded that a prostitute showed up at Agent
Ronald Sandoval's apartment shortly after the state of emergency
was rescinded. The woman was described as tall and dark haired,
wearing very little.
"I don't know where people get these ideas!" Agent Sandoval
protested. "I barely even use my apartment! It's a big, cushy
closet, where I keep my clothes. I most definitely do not entertain
prostitutes, and no one calls me 'Ronnie'!"
The woman was seen leaving via the fire escape, with a global and
several Harry Potter novels.
EMANCIPATION
BLASTED ABIDES!
A squad of rogue Volunteers recently invaded the anti-Taelon
"Earth Abides", and caused considerably property damage. The
leader, by rumors now circulating, was wielding a skrill.
"Blam blam blam!" was the description of the building's owner.
"Yeah right," was Agent Sandoval's laconic reply when confronted
with these rumors. "There are plenty of bigger fish than Earth
Abides, if you get my drift. All I know is that suddenly we're
having a LOT of trouble keeping our blond Volunteers in line..."
A search of the Volunteers has been made, but little results have
come in. "Not that it's like looking for a needle in a haystack,"
Major Liam Kincaid commented, "but for crying out loud, how many
Volunteers have skrills? Almost none. And CVIs. Could it be the
Taelons are lying to us... nah, can't be."
Earth Abides is suing the Taelons. Little is expected to result.
ALL HAIL THE QUEEN!
In a horrifying twist, it appears that the rogue Volunteers who
attacked anti-Taelon Earth Abides have also stolen the Skrill
queen, mother of all the skrills. Major Liam Kincaid, on a tour of
the facility with Da'an, was the one to find the hologram replacing her.
"It was weird," said a nearby intern. "He was waving his hand
around through her torso. Come to think about it, she hadn't eaten
that day. And she hadn't gnawed on the cage for hours."
Doctor Linford, who was in charge of the bioengineering project,
has been arrested on suspicion of being a conspirator, possibly
with the Resistance. "It seems kinda dumb," Major Kincaid
commented. "I mean, why would she bother to kidnap something
she was already taking care of? But, that's the FBI for you."
When asked about search efforts, Major Kincaid only replied, "I am
most definitely not working with Renee Palmer. Or a low-profile
hacker who just lost his money. I am working with Agent
Sandoval... even though he's not here. But I am working with him!"
WHERE IS SHE NOW?
The crisis concerning the so-called rogue Volunteers turned out to
be an attack from suspected Resistance fighters. Several were
found in a warehouse with a large load of equipment. Major Liam
Kincaid arrived first, and Agent Sandoval afterwards. Major Kincaid
was reportedly agitated.
"He was literally kicking that guy's butt," Agent Sandoval
commented.
Afterwards, Kincaid went on a hunt for Sylvia Ehrengraf, the young
blond who had stolen an experimental skrill as well as the queen.
"She was like, bam bam bam!" Major Kincaid reported. "Skrill
blasts, all over the place. She almost took my head off a couple of
times. Then I got her pinned down on the floor, and I almost
smothered in her cleavage. I am VERY glad no one saw that."
"Eventually, she died because of the skrill blasts. That wasn't fun
for me either." Kincaid paused. "Unfortunately, the skrill queen
was nowhere to be found. That's not too great either."
However, a reporter claims to have heard Doors Int. CEO Renee
Palmer commenting to someone, "I thought he was weird before.
But then he clamps this big rubbery bug to his stomach. I thought
he had lost his marbles."
GOSSIP COLUMN
PALMER AND KINCAID FOUND IN
CAFE!
The romance columns and tabloids are abuzz with the news that
blond CEO Renee Palmer and hunky protector Liam Kincaid were
seen in an outdoor cafe together. Both were talking in low tones,
before Kincaid stomped away.
"Where is this coming from?" Kincaid asked irritably. "There is no
romance, period! Renee's very pretty, but... I don't want a woman
who might shoot me in the head."
DEJA VU
YOU MNEME SO MUCH TO ME
Doors International's new line of Taelon-human technology is a
smashing success, says company CEO Renee Palmer. "Our latest
wonderful thing is the Mneme, which almost no one can say right.
It's pronounced 'neem,' by the way."
Mneme is said to allow a person to relive their most cherished
memories, and Ms. Palmer says that it's a wonderful experience.
"It puts you right back in your memories. Of course, the knowledge
that you're in a chair with this thing strapped to your brain tends
to lower the enjoyment level, but if you have no sense of
self-preservation, it's for you."
Many others are skeptical, particularly the American protector Liam
Kincaid. "It's one of those too-good-to-be-true things. Plus, there
are dead bodies popping up in the near area, which is never a
good sign."
IT'S MIND-BLOWING
A sudden wash of dead bodies, all having suffered synaptic failure,
have appeared in Washington. Detectives have called in
Companion agent Liam Kincaid.
"I'm not certain why," Major Kincaid admitted. "I mean, I signed up
to protect Taelons. What happens? I turn into Hercule Poirot,
investigating every weird death in the area. Was there something
in the fine print that I didn't read?"
Major Kincaid has formed his own hypothesis: "I think there's a
black-market Mneme out there, blowing people's brains with stolen
memories. Of course, when I told Renee Palmer that, she threw a
drink at me. But I think someone's stealing a Mneme and using it
illegally, and I plan to find out who it is and stop them! Right after
X-files..."
Renee Palmer's only reply was, "Nice day, isn't it?"
MAYOR I GO OUT TONIGHT?
Rumors are flying about Washington mayor Carter Dubois. The
mayor first tested the Mneme on himself, then shut down the early
opening of the facilities, then changed his mind after a meeting
with Synod leader Zo'or.
"Zo'or's very persuasive," Agent Ronald Sandoval announced. "You
should see what he does with the IRS."
Some of the unsubstantiated rumors say that Zo'or threatened
Mayor Dubois. "That's simply not true," Agent Sandoval said. "The
Taelons are here for our own good, more or less. And if you ever
want to see the light of day again, don't ask what I mean by 'more
or less.'"
Another rumor says that Mayor Dubois has been seen driving
around seedy neighborhoods with teenage girls. He denies this
vehemently, but his wife has been seen buying firearms.
REMEMBER ME
Major Liam Kincaid and his ally, beautiful blonde CEO Renee
Palmer, reportedly broke up the black-market Mneme business.
"It was weird," Major Kincaid commented. "One minute we're going
in to arrest the lying scumwad Renee hired, and the next one of
the machines blows up. There were these little tornados blowing
around the room."
"I think I heard him call,
'Auntie Em! Auntie Em!'" Ms. Palmer described.
"And then I started flashing back over my entire life, and some
other memories that weren't mine," Kincaid continues. "And I won't
say what they were. No, I don't have anything to hide! I just don't
want to talk about it!"
When questioned about his trip to a military hospital and
arguments with Da'an, Kincaid replied, "If I told you, I'd have to
kill you. Da'an said he'd glue me to my chair if I ever talked about
what we argue about. As for the military hospital, it's not your
business. So there."
THE ONCE AND FUTURE WORLD
DON'T MESS WITH THE COUNTESS
An intriguing new item has arisen, concerning Taelons relics from
South America. An artifact gallery was discovered to have a
peculiar polyhedron which is suspected to be Taelon.
"It was glowing and sparkling," described Agent Praeger to a
reporter. "Other than that, it's pretty ugly. Wouldn't use it as a
paperweight."
The gallery belongs to Countess Vera Rizzori, who is currently
under suspicion for smuggling. "This is ridiculous!" the Countess
announced angrily. "I have dozens of agents all over my gallery!
My business is ruined! The only good thing is that delicioso Liam
coming by..."
Agent Sandoval's reply to queries on the artifact's possible Taelon
origins was curt, "I don't know, because I haven't asked Zo'or yet."
TROUBLE IN TAELONLAND
Taelon Synod Leader Zo'or has reportedly confirmed the rumors
that a South American orb is of Taelon origin. However, reports of
his reaction to the object have clashed.
"When he saw the holo of that thing, he blushed like a Victorian
lady," stated a Volunteer who requested anonymity. "Said
something else, too, sounded obscene. Sounded like 'sherbert!'"
Agent Sandoval was deliberately vague on whether Zo'or had
confirmed it or not. "He's in a bad mood right now, because
apparently he doesn't want to wait whether the Customs Agency
says so or not. Don't believe everything you hear. What was that
Volunteer's name, just out of curiosity?"
MIDNIGHT ROBBERY
A shocking robbery has taken place at the Rizzori Gallery, home of
a fought-over Taelon artifact. A mysterious man infiltrated the
gallery and escaped with a briefcase full of stolen goods, after
spraying a nearby Volunteer with pepper spray.
"We came in and Ricky was staggering around and yelling, 'I'm
blind! Oh, cruel fate' or something like that," stated Volunteer Josh
Markham. "Anyway, he's fine now, but his eyes hurt and he's
becoming a real pain to be around. We all have to bunk together,
and listening to him complaining about eye drops gets
monotonous."
Nearby, a hand grenade was evidently set off in a trash dumpster.
"We went over there and found out that it was just a diversion,"
Markham continued. "There was nobody there. It seemed kind of a
waste to not use that warmth, so we sat there and got toasty in
front of it. Night duty is cold!"
Among the objects stolen were small stone statues with sapphire
eyes, and a royal quipu. "It's pronounced kee-poo," Markham
informed the reporter. "People keep mispronouncing it. Can't stand
when they say 'Talon' instead of 'Taelon.'"
Agent Sandoval and Major Kincaid are investigating. "This was a
wonderfully thought-out crime. Really professional. They didn't get
a good look at the guy, right?" Kincaid stated.
Zo'or's reaction to the news was unfavorable. "He said 'sherbert'
again," a Volunteer reported.
CUSTOMS AGENT A SMUGGLER
Shock ripples through the Customs Agency as one of the foremost
agents, Carl Praeger, was discovered to be a smugger. Praeger
was stabbed to death by a reknowned murderer and smuggler.
"If Carl weren't dead, I'd kill him," stated a friend named Anna
Jules.
"I'm not at all surprised," Agent Ronald Sandoval reported.
"Praeger always was a swelled head."
"Really awful, really tragic," Major Kincaid reported. "'Course, I
didn't know the guy."
MYSTERIOUS HAPPENINGS
In the paradise of Peru, strange occurrances are happening. Among
them are the continued presence of Taelon shuttles over a small
fishing village near the Rio La Yapana river.
"One of them was flying over the Nazca Plateau, and I don't think
they were taking pictures," said Carlos, an informant. "Then this
Agent Sandoval meets a lovely blond senorita at an archaeological
dig, asking people nearby if they've seen any Taelon things. What
does a Taelon thing look like?"
When pressed further, Carlos added, "Plus, there's this new oil
platform off on the water, but I don't think there's any oil. Also,
the water in the ocean glows twice a week. And the dolphins keep
having panic attacks, and this Senor Doors keeps bringing these
laser drills down there as well... plus, why do they need a
submarine for drilling oil?"
When asked whether reporters could delve further, Doors's CEO
Renee Palmer replied, "Hmm, let me think. No!"
